The biggest scare of my life

The past two days have been really hell for me… and a super eye-opener, too. You see, last month, I passed unusually dark-colored urine. I looked it up and thought it was just because I wasn’t able to drink as much water as usual. When I did, the normal color returned. So okay na. Last week, it happened again. I drank lots of water and waited for it to stop. It didn’t. It lasted for about 3 to 4 days. I became really worried so I went to a nephrologist last Monday. When Dr. Tolentino (he’s nice and seemed to know what he was saying) learned my medical (specifically, pregnancy history), he said I should have been told not to try for a second baby without resolving the problems which occurred during my pregnancy with Jia. His exact words were “Hindi ka sinabihan na wag kang magbuntis?” Imagine! (Side note: Of course, I am NOT in any way regretting having Joya… he’s the love of my life right now!) His words really struck me. Sobrang seryoso siya. He even said na totoo yung sinasabi ng mga lola na pag nagbubuntis, isang paa nasa hukay. He said that the whole pregnancy must be problem-free so pag nagka-problema, dapat ma-resolve bago manganak uli ng panibago.  He ordered several tests for me. I asked if I should be worried and he replied he has to wait for the results. I asked again and he said that given my history of hypertension, diabetes, proteinuria, and edema,  “Medyo talo tayo. The odds are against us.”

After that, I went to the HMO office to get approval for the tests. While there, I saw the diagnostic consideration that Dr. Tolentino wrote — Glomerulonephritis. While waiting for the tests to be approved, I googgled it.  What I read scared me. GN is the inflammation of the glomeruli, the kidney’s small blood vessels. Sabi some resolve spontaneously, some progress to chronic renal failure. Renal failure means dialysis! I was so scared I started crying. I just messaged J but told him not to call me. I could not afford to break down as I was with the kids because they also had their pedia consult. I couldn’t even cry lest Jia notice something was wrong (that girl is so observant, I tell you). But looking at my two kids, I couldn’t help but shed tears (very discreetly). I was crying in Pancake House where we ate, again at Starbucks while passing the time (coding so we couldn’t even go directly home), and again while driving home.

That night, while talking to J, I cried again. Ang bata pa ng mga anak ko. Pag may nangyari sa akin, pano na sila? Hindi naman ako selfish. Hindi ko naman gusto mabuhay ng forever pero enough lang to make sure my kids grow up well. I want to make sure they grow up happy, with love for one another and with sensible heads on their shoulders. Pano ko masisigurado yun kung wala na ako?

Ang OA no? But really, that was how I felt. This is not to undermine other people’s illnesses but kidney failure does not get better unless you get new kidneys through transplant which is also not always successful. Pag kidney failure, forever ng dialysis. Hindi natatapos until the body just gives up. J’s mom underwent this and I knew how traumatic the whole experience was for him and his whole family. Hindi ko ma-imagine how he’d cope na ganun na naman.

J did not seem as affected. Mas hindi siya emotional than me (hahaha! understatement!). He just said that we’d wait for the test results and whatever it was, we’d weather it together. Ang natakot ako talaga was when we realized I had edema. He was telling me to drink lots of water. Sabi ko si Mommy niya bawal uminom ng tubig. Sabi niya kasi si Mommy daw hindi umaandar yung kidneys eh since I do pass urine, my kidneys work. Napaisip ako kung san mapupunta yung water pag hindi and I asked rhetorically, “Hindi naman ako manas, di ba?” We both looked at my legs and he pressed a part. That was when we realized I had edema. Natakot talaga ako.

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That night, when the kids were already asleep, I went to my work area upstairs to continue working on the fabric boxes for Jia’s room. I wanted to make sure that her room become really, really nice. In my mind, before I die I will make sure that the whole house is ayos and the kids’ room is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY cozy and comfy and right for them.

I started thinking about the things I want to accomplish if I were diagnosed with Primary GN which can be life threatening (in fairness, it can also be mild with few symptoms pero OA nga ako di ba? I have the tendency to worry about things that have not happened yet.). We will all go to Disneyland because Jia and I have been looking forward to bringing Joya there. Deadma na maliit pa siya. Ang importante he will have pictures to go back to pag malaki na siya. I told J na if I were sick, Jia won’t be attending school next year. I will homeschool her kahit one year lang para I can spend more time with her plus that would make sure that she has the learning foundations that I want for her. Pero before I pass on, I will make sure she has a good school para hindi na problemahin na ni J san sila mag-aaral and I would want to see her in a school program.

I will make sure Joya has lots of milk. I will pump and pump. Hahaha! Seriously, isa ito sa immediate concern ko as I was worried that if I were prescribed meds, hindi na ako pwede mag breastfeed. Eh since I just donated 130 oz of milk, wala na ako stash. Pero I knew naman na if I needed to stop bfeeding, wala na ako magagawa, if it would mean spending more time with him. I will also make sure I spend lots and lots and lots of time cuddling him and just carrying him. Hopefully, I will still be here for his first step and up to his first day of school.

I will bring the kids to museums and parks and playgrounds.

I will bring J to New York. I know he will love it there. We will travel to the places we dreamt of going. I will spend time with him to prepare him for the time when I would be gone.

I will make sure na maayos sila sa bahay. May lalagyan lahat ng gamit, ayos mga files, etc. I even thought of writing a two month menu para pwede na lang nila ulitin. J does not realize how difficult it is to think what’s going to be the ulam day in and day out. Ayoko na problemahin nya pa yun. Siguro I will also be preparing a weekly marketing list para sure ako na ayos na sila.

I will be spending time with my parents and siblings. It will be good if we can all go to a place we haven’t been

I even asked N@W about what they were going to do if they learned they were dying and from there I got the idea of scrapbooking/journaling, preparing everything for your passing (so as not to burden the people you leave behind), and writing letters to your kids/hubby for every major occasion (birthdays, Christmases, graduations, weddings).

During the past two days, whenever I looked at my kids, I cried. Once, J saw me crying and sabi niya lang, “Umiiyak ka na naman. Tama na.”

The whole thing made me realize how short life really is and how petty I can sometimes get. Bigla ko na realize na yung pinaglalaban kong kung anu-ano (kung anu-ano lang talaga like kelan ba kami bibili ng ottoman for the living room, etc) eh napaka-petty nga naman.

Yesterday morning, I woke up early to prepare to go to the hospital for the tests. I prepared J’s baon first (mixed green with arugula and roasted chicken, with homemade garlic ranch dressing) and then had my usual argument with J who would go to the shower first (I won, mainly because it was a big day for me, so he took a bath first). While he was taking a bath, I picked up Joya and we talked (or mainly I talked while he cooed). I promised him that whatever happens, I will fight to be with him while he grows up. I promised I will try all my darndest best to be with him during his first school program, when he experiences his fist heart break, when he graduates from college, when he gets his first job.

After that, I took a bath. Armed with my 24 hour wiwi collection, I went to Medical City. I had blood and ultrasound tests done. Sabi sa akin, results will be released in 4 hours, except for the one for ANA – the test for Lupus. During the “break”, I went home to get Jia and Joya and we went to Raya, a school I’ve been eyeing for Jia (need to go back there to talk to a teacher and not just a school staff). After that, they dropped me off at Medical City with Joya (Joya was in SaYa) while they picked up J from the office.

When I saw the results, I was really happy. Normal almost everything except for the ASO which means that I was infected by the streptococci bacteria which causes sore throat AND can affect the heart and kidneys! Imagine! Sore throat na pwedeng mag-lead to kidney failure! So now I’m on antibiotics. This is one of the best results that could have come out. Tuloy pa rin daw monitoring and next month repeat tests again. Hopefully tuloy tuloy na. The doctor cautioned though that if the ANA test comes out positive, ibang usapan yun. Siguro naman hindi na ako positive dun! OA na yun sobra. Lord, wag naman po!

Last night I was really happy. To top it all, after the nephro consult, I went to my surgeon and for the first time since I gave birth to Joya, wala na ako dressing! I was given the all-clear to actually go swimming! Di ba, di ba, di ba ang saya-saya-saya-saya-saya ng araw ko?!?!?! God is REALLY, REALLY good!

But having gone through what I had – being scared that I was going to die – was really an eye-opener. Ngayon mas importante na sa akin talaga to spend time with the kids than to, say, watch TV or read blogs (well, I just need to blog about this because this is part of journaling… haha! defensive!).

I am hopeful that this is just another bump in the road. Sabi ng doctor, the odds were against me. When I told my friend Benz about it (aside from J and my sister whom I asked to research, si Benz lang ang sinabihan ko), sabi niya magaling ako sa mga odds-odds na yan – sa dami ba naman ng pinagdaanan ko eh.

Kung ano man, if it turns out indeed that I am sick, the last two days showed me I could weather it. Yes, I would be a wreck, probably crying every… hmmm… 3 minutes (haha!), but I would handle it. I have a husband and two kids I have to take care of so I know I will be able to accomplish all my to-do’s before I finally pass on.

For now, I am just happy and reveling in the knowledge that I have more time with my 3 Js.

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I love you, Hon! I love you, Jia! I love you, Joya!